Great British burgers, fish and the Grand Old Duke of York: Brexit is back – and as strange as ever
There was charm, a UK delegation with folders and even Steve Bray with a speaker at the UK-EU Summit, writes Joe Murphy. But surprisingly, there was no talk of borders, just ‘great British burgers’
“Have you sold out the fish, Keir Starmer?” yelled the bloke from GB News as the prime minister walked stiffly from his car to the summit.
Whether fish care deeply if they suffocate on European trawler decks rather than good old British ones is a question nobody in the stale old mainstream media had bothered to ask before, but one that, alas, like many details of the reset deal, remains shrouded in mystery.
Someone with a sense of humour decided to stage the great UK-EU reunion at Lancaster House, the 19th-century mansion built for the actual Grand Old Duke of York of nursery rhyme fame, who marched 10,000 men up and down a hill (historically, a failed invasion of Holland) and achieved precisely zilch. As a metaphor for the unspeakable Brexit fiasco, it takes some beating.
The tricky presentation challenge for Starmer was how to paint the deal struck at 2am as both a new era of grown-up partnership and, mindful of the Reform threat, a series of incredible wins for mighty Blighty.
He chose to emphasise the latter, bragging in advance of “yet another deal”.
His guests, conversely, talked endlessly of “shared values and partnership”, while leveraging some 11th-hour concessions and even securing a bigger quota of seats at the press conference for European hacks.
At a breakfast reception in Downing Street, Rachel Reeves decommissioned that severe dark trouser suit worn for cutting benefits in favour of a sky-blue jacket signalling sunshine and optimism.
She assured her audience of “entrepreneurs and investors” (no fishermen were invited) that the EU deal would help them “to bring in talent”.
Hang on, just a week ago, Starmer was railing against immigration and an “island of strangers”, and now his chancellor was promising employers they can import more workers from Europe.
This government’s PR strategy sometimes looks more thick than Thick of It.
There weren’t quite 10,000 men at the talks, but there was an air of déjà vu, with hordes of bleary-eyed officials and a media pack feeding on scraps of information.
Britain’s most annoying protester, Steve Bray, brought his portable PA and played Ode to Joy, the EU anthem, for Ursula von der Leyen, who beamed appreciatively. Starmer kissed her on both cheeks, French style.
Amusingly, the UK top team were issued with identical burgundy folders to carry up the red carpet. Starmer clutched his folder to his chest like a lad carrying flowers to a first date. David Lammy and Europe minister Stephen Doughty were similarly equipped.
Presumably, some bright spark remembered the humiliating photocall of 2017, when David Davis and Lord Frost turned up for the first post-Brexit negotiations with no notes (and no idea, it soon emerged), only to be confronted by Michel Barnier’s team, all armed with ring binders bulging with detail and stratagems.
If Monday’s folders were indeed props to avoid such a scene, it was a waste of time, because Von der Leyen and her wingman Antonio Costa strolled up empty-handed.
The optics at the concluding press conference were starkly contrasting. For Starmer, it was about Britain being “back on the world stage”, in a “position of strength”, getting “unprecedented” access to the EU marketplace and “turning a new page” for “a new era”.
Britain would be able to export “great British burgers” across the Channel, he declared.
On the EU side, the narrative was all about a cosier relationship. Costa spoke warmly of “dear Keir” and of being “stronger when we stand together”. Von der Leyen fondly added, “my dear Keir, this is an historic moment”.
But when she listed the items agreed by the two sides – from smoother trade to more cooperation on security and migrant gangs – it really did sound like a landmark amount of progress towards a grown-up relationship.
British politics doesn’t stay grown-up for long, however.
Nigel Farage dismissed the wide-ranging pact as “the end of the British fishing industry”, ignoring its renewed ability to sell shellfish to the EU market and the value of the deal to much bigger economic sectors (the entire fishing industry has half the turnover of Greggs).
Kemi Badenoch was “gobsmacked” and called it “a sellout”. Agent Liz Truss, Labour’s favourite asset, tweeted that the deal “must be jettisoned in 2029”, implying that the Right will go into a general election on the grand promise of making people queue for longer at airports.
The Grand Old Duke of York would be astonished: at least the old boy knew when to stage a tactical retreat.
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