ROGUE TRADER: The week ahead ...

Monday

Interims from Saatchi & Saatchi, which now bills itself with a fabulous level of bullshit as "the ideas company" saying "ideas are the currency of the future. They solve problems. They create opportunities ..."

Tuesday

International Institute of Statistics world conference opens in Helsinki. Main job will be to invent a new "super number" big enough to measure BP-Amoco's (Q2 figures today) directors' salaries.

Wednesday

Finals from BSkyB. Choppy waters ahead for the monopolistic pay-TV operator. Revenues are now over $1 billion, but in future Rupert Murdoch will have to share some of the goodies with powerful competitors in the world of digital cable and telecoms.

Thursday

Interims and other figures from Sun Life & Provincial, one or two other insurance companies and Highland Distillers. All pretty dull.

Friday

Nothing happening at all. Stay in bed or become a Falun Gong devotee.

The week's Bonds ...

SEAN CONNERY: Boring-Old-Clapped-Out-Low-Yield Bond that was issued in the 1960s.

AUSTIN POWERS/MIKE MYERS: Junk Bond. Ersatz version of the original.

PIERCE BROSNAN: Absolute-Load-of-Old-Rubbish Bond. Not a patch on Roger Moore.

US TREASURY BONDS: Bill Clinton (The President Who Shagged Me) to buy back $3,600bn (pounds 2,230bn) in government bonds, sending their value soaring to Shagadelic new heights.

Financial news!

From RT's consumer services department, a weekly bench test, value for money guide to the financial pages. This week: Investors Chronicle versus OK! Magazine

Item: Investors Chronicle OK! Magazine

Price pounds 2.95 pounds 1.65

No of pages 92 144

Price per page 3.20p 1.14p

No of Anthea 1 3 Turner pics this week

No of Basil Brush 1 0 pics this week

No of steely-eyed 1 (Bob Ayling) 2,000 (approx) bimbos/himbos this week

Graphs/bar charts 320 0

Typical headline Silicon supply dip Silicon supply dip causes IT stock crisis causes Pamela Anderson crisis

Reader offer Free ShareScope Win a luxury villa software in Marbella

"How to" features Getting the best out The OK Guide to Hair of your Texas Styling with Celebrity Instruments Hairdresser Daniel BAII-Plus calculator Field

How to make a Get busy with your Get a celebrity hair-do million BAII-Plus; hedge your go on a diet; hedge emerging market fund your suntan with a with Treasury bonds push-up bra

% of content which 63.4% (Boeing has 14.85% (Patsy Palmer was news to me sloppy margins and out of EastEnders has a weak book) a paper dress by Errol Peak costing pounds 70)

% of content 4.32% (HSBC shares 6.82% (Arnold worth knowing are fairly priced Schwarzenneger has but the Pru is accidentally killed his better value) pet dog)

p/e (photo/ 23/1 432/621 earnings) ratio

RT value index 0.1188725 1.9805558