New Films: Keep the Aspidistra Flying (12) Directed by Robert Bierman How to be a Player (18) Directed by Lionel C Martin 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag (15) Directed by Tom Schulman

There are three new laugh-free comedies to choose from this week.

Keep the Aspidistra Flying is an adaptation of George Orwell's 1936 novel about an advertising copywriter who longs to be a poet. Richard E Grant works hard in the lead role, but the film is drab and condescending and positively dares you to have a good time.

How to be a Player is a black Alfie, following a young stud through a day of conquests; it will bore or offend anyone who isn't a promiscuous, misogynist, heterosexual male.

And 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag proves that directors don't know what to do with Joe Pesci any more. As a gangster delivering the eponymous cargo to a mob boss, he looks lost and confused, a not-very-goodfella.

All films open today